Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Cats in Trouble? No. Jillian Hart's in Trouble

By Lydia Monk, Mercy, SC Assistant County Coroner

You may have expected someone else from Mercy to talk to you today. Well, Jillian Hart thinks she can stroll into my territory in South Carolina and start solving crimes. She's wrong, folks. I do the investigating. And I'm doing the talking. That little wannabe heroine is a delusional, too, but I'll explain about that later. Dumb people like Belle at Belle's Beans may not see through her. But I do.

You may wonder how did a former beauty queen like me--I was Miss Upstate Winnebago about ten years ago--anyway, how did I get to be an assistant coroner? Hard work, that's how. Community college, coroner school. That's how I did it. Got the certificates to prove it, too.

But besides wanting to warn you about putting your faith in an amateur detective like Jillian Hart and her damn cats--she's got three of them and they will shed all over you in a heartbeat--I want the world to know that Tom Stewart belongs to me. That's where Jillian's delusions come in. She thinks she can steal him from me. She is a wily woman, that's for sure.

Now, I'll admit, Tom doesn't know how much he loves me. Not yet. He's busy making sure that everyone in Mercy has a security system now that Jillian has shown up and bodies are practically falling from everyone's ceiling. She's trouble and I am certain he will realize that. Not that I don't remind him every chance I get.

The cases that Jillian and her cats get involved in are interesting, okay? I won't argue there. I mean, I am a coroner and if there wasn't plenty of death in these parts, why would I have a job like this? But she can quit interfering--and that's what I want the world to know. And she can quit interfering in my relationship with Tom. Are you listening, Jillian? Stay away from him.

And now, I'm off to the tattoo parlor in Greenville. I'm having a tatt of a Winnebago done on my right arm. How cool is that?

22 comments:

  1. Lydia, Lydia, Lydia. I think you're living in a land of delusion if you still think Tom is interested in you. Give it up. I'm sure there's another man in town for you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh Lydia, I'm afraid you are in for some disappointing times.

    Mason
    Thoughts in Progress

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh, so you people are on Jillian's side, too. You just wait, people. You just wait.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi Lydia,

    Grace Wheaton here. First of all, thanks to everyone here who worried about me while I was missing. I had a bit of a skirmish and wound up being incapacitated for a while. Tell you about that another time. I guess I kind of owe Ronny a bit for stepping in... but I'll never tell him that.

    But Lydia - I have a suggestion for you. With you winning that beauty queen title and becoming coroner (both very big deals), maybe you need to focus your attentions on someone who deserves you. I mean that. Someone who deserves all you have to dish out... er... I mean "give." Just some friendly advice...

    Nice to meet you.
    Grace

    ReplyDelete
  5. *giggling* Nice to meet you Lydia. Maybe if you just had a little more confidence... talked about your accomplishments more... *snort*

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi Lydia,

    If Tom doesn't work out, I have coroner here in Scumble River you might be interested in. Although, Simon may not appreciate your tattoo...

    Skye

    ReplyDelete
  7. How will the tat look on TV? Just asking...

    xoxo Charlotte McNally

    ReplyDelete
  8. Charlotte? You're putting me on TV? Well, it's about time I got the recognition I deserve.

    And Skye, Tom is the one. I'm sure he's gonna love my new tattoo. Bunch a prudes in your town, I'm thinking.

    Watery Tart, what else do you want to know? I am quite the shopper. Bought a new pair of red stilettos from Overstock.com. They got some good stuff and it's cheap.

    And Grace, I'm betting you were up to no good, whatever you were. That can get you in trouble. Ask Jillian Hart. She's ALWAYS in trouble.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Interesting tatoo choice. A little strong, but then I'd expect nothing less of you.

    ReplyDelete
  10. A tatt of a winnebago? Wow, I want one!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Nice to meet you Lydia. It is always good to read what other characters in a book are thinking. I am a bit worried about you though.Your choice of tattoo has me puzzled.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hey Lydia. I think you need a bit of a reality check. Jillian Hart is a friend of mine and my money's on her. Maybe a sad face tat instead? Just sayin'

    Charlotte Adams (tired of pushy people)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Lydia, take it from another beauty queen -- they're jealous. Everyone else is jealous of us. Oh! And don't worry about Tom. I stole Mars from Sophie and he's still with me. Of course, I can't quite get him to tie the knot . . .

    ~ Natasha
    Domestic Diva Mysteries

    ReplyDelete
  14. LOL on the Winnebago. And for some reason I'm not at all surprised that Lydia works best with the dead.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Ha! Just read Heather's comment and it cracked me up. :) Yes, some people work best with dead folk. Good luck with the tattoo--I'm sure Tom will be totally won over by it. :)

    ReplyDelete
  16. Honey, best advice I ever got: Think before you ink. You might regret that tat someday. Trust me on this one.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Whoa ... I'm not sure you should be hanging your crazy out for the whole world to see. Not judging, just saying ...

    Oh, and listen to Bree. She speaks from experience. Ain't that right, cuz?

    ReplyDelete
  18. Grace, I'm relieved you're back safely. You had us all worried. But we did enjoy snooping, I mean hunting for you, in and around Marshfield Manor.

    Lydia, how about if I embroider a Winnebago tattoo for you, and you can sew it to your clothing, first, and see what your clients, um, I mean Tom and any other guys you want to impress, have to say about it?

    ReplyDelete
  19. I love the Winnebago tattoo! I've yet to start reading your series so my question is ... is this your first tattoo?

    ReplyDelete
  20. Well, some of you are minding your manners and some of you are not--did I tell you I investigate crimes? I have access to computer information as regards to stuff like traffic tickets. I could get some of you in trouble. I think. Anyway, watch what you're saying. I have a tattoo that I only reveal to my most intimate friends, if you get my gist. But Miss Upstate Winnebago needs a permanent Winnebago as a reminder, one that doesn't cost 50 grand. Of the bunch of y'all, I'd say Natasha and I oughta hang out. She gets it, people. She totally gets it. But thanks for chatting with me--I haven't forgot may manners, have I? I like a little conflict so you've made me feel right at home.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Lydia, I'd sleep on the tattoo plan. What was it somebody said, "think before you ink?"

    Molly Pink

    ReplyDelete
  22. Bless your little heart, did you say "Miss Upstart Winnebago"?

    ReplyDelete