Friday, July 2, 2010

Hi, I'm Maxie. I'm dead.


by Maxie Malone
From NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEED, by E.J. Copperman

Here's what I can tell you about being dead: It's really boring.

I haven't met that many people in the year or so since somebody poisoned me and Paul Harrison, the less-than-perfect private detective I hired to keep me from dying (luckily, he didn't live to cash the check!), but everyone I've spoken to since then asks the same question: What happens to you after you die?

Basically, you float around in the air. And most people can't see or hear you. In other words, it's a first-class drag.

See, I am... was... a pretty active girl back when I was breathing. I rode a Harley, went to art school, learned how to throw a knife, bungee jumped off bridges and became an expert archer. And that was just in a weekend when I was 23. I got to live five more whole years after that.

Paul and I "woke up," I guess you'd call it, in this shell of a massive Victorian house I was going to renovate and flip--that is, sell for a profit--until a couple of things slowed me down. First, the bottom dropped out of the real estate market, even on the Jersey Shore, and second, Paul and I were poisoned, putting a real crimp in my redecoration plans.

But we're stuck. We can't leave the house and the grounds surrounding it. No, I don't know why. There's no AAA guide to being dead. There isn't even "Death For Dummies," although I've gotten to know a few ghosts who could use the help.

Listen, I'm not a difficult person. No, really. But getting murdered puts a real charge into your desire for revenge, and I have this problem: I don't know who killed us. So we're putting a little friendly persuasion into the ear of the dim bulb who bought the house after me, this Alison Kerby (she posted here last month, you might recall, and said some really hurtful things about me, like that I was a pain in the butt).

Okay, so Alison isn't THAT bad, but she doesn't really get it about us being dead and how much we hate it. On the plus side, she did bring her daughter Melissa along with her when she bought this place, and Melissa is a doll and a half. She's worth putting up with Alison. Mostly.

I'm going to have to bail now, because Alison's looking for her laptop. She's been getting the same kind of threatening emails I used to get: "Get out of the house, or you won't be alive in a month." It's possible I didn't take those threats literally enough.

Just keep this in mind if you're wondering what it's like to be dead--posting here was probably the highlight of my month. After that, it's just more floating around in space.

Unless Alison helps us find out who killed Paul and me. Stay tuned.

22 comments:

  1. Hiya Maxie,

    Nice meeting you. I bet together with Paul, Alison and the gang, there must be a way for you to leave, but in all honesty, do you really want to leave? Think of all the fun you can have just hanging around with Alison.

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  2. Hi Maxie,

    Nice to meet you, but I think you need to cut Alison some slack. She's doing the best she can and certainly didn't expect ghosts in her life. I'm sure she'll come around.

    Grace

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  3. I just knew that there was a very good reason that you are one of my favorite characters. LOL

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  4. Hope you get your revenge! Being dead really does sound like a drag--I think the floating thing would be really old after a while. I'll have my fingers crossed for Alison to help you find your killer.

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  5. Maxie, I love you and I want your wardrobe! That being said...cut Alison a little slack. You might have had a blast being alive, but for Alison, it hasn't been much of a party lately.

    And here's an idea: How about if you start writing "Death For Dummies?"

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  6. Maxie, about these other ghosts you've come to know. Can they float away from the house and grounds where you're trapped?

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  7. Sheesh, Maxie. That's tough. I think you are a bit hard on Alison though. Cut her some slack. Just sayin'. Maybe she can suggest that your author begin writing some of those guides that might be so useful.

    Charlotte Adams (channeled though her author)

    Charlotte Adams mysteries

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  8. I'm sure Alison will figure out (eventually) who killed you and Paul. I just hope she and her daughter can stay safe in the meantime.

    BTW, This sounds just like a soap opera! Tune in tomorrow for the next installment of "...." :)

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  9. Good luck, Maxie. I'm sure Allison will figure it out. And then what ...? Keep us posted. :)

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  10. Maxie, hang in there and help Alison. After all, if she restores the place and makes it a B&B, think of all the interesting people who'll be coming to stay. You might even spook a few of them, or tease them by moving things around. Hmm, now I think I know why ghosts play pranks!

    ~ Krista

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  11. Maxie says: Give ALISON a break??? Geez! I mean, she's still alive, she has this great kid, she has MY HOUSE, and I'm supposed to give HER a break? I appreciate the sentiments on my behalf, honestly, but you breathing types clearly don't get what it's like to have everything--literally, everything--you have taken away from you by... somebody. If I knew who it was, I'd find a way out of this house and go haunt that person right out of his/her world! Thanks for commenting. I'm glad everyone's paying attention, and if you find a ghost in your house... all I'm saying is, be kind.

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  12. HI, Maxie. I hope Alison can help. Perhaps an occasional sip of brandy might help calm your nerves. Can you imbibe? Perhaps heating the brandy and taking in the vapors? Meanwhile, perhaps you can help Alison get some clues. You can, quite aptly, pass through walls and go places she can't. Be proactive. Rooting for you.

    ~Avery

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  13. This is great. A ghost with attitude! *laughs* Sure will keep Alison on her toes in the living world. Good luck Maxie.

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  14. Hi Maxie,

    Great to meet you. I suspect that I'm sharing the house I inherited with the ghost of its former owner, but Alma only shows up if I'm getting frisky with a guy. I sure hoe you don't do that to Alison.

    Skye

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  15. Maxie, Living in an old farmhouse in New Hampshire some years ago, my daughter and I heard the rocking chair we did not have and saw the woman rocking in it. Also saw her standing on the screened in porch a couple of times. We called her Gwendolyn.
    Curious, did you have trouble typing floating around?

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  16. Maxie, you sound like aghost I want to meet. Give Alison a chance. I'm sure she will help.

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  17. Great to meet you Maxie - I do enjoy ghostly mysteries and am looking forward to seeing how Alison helps you out!!

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  18. LOL, Death for Dummies.
    I agree with you Shiloh. Maxie is a ghost with attitude.
    This blog just pushed up Night of the Living Deed as my next TBR book.

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  19. Maxie, you're one frisky ghost...you go, girl!!

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  20. Hi Maxie,I can't wait to hear more about your adventures!

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  21. Maxie says: Mary, no problems typing. I don't JUST float. It's the easiest thing for me, but if I concentrate, I can stay in one place. Glad to hear you're moving my story up, Annette. You'll see--it's all about ME, really!

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  22. Maxie---I think you've got a right to be p---, uh, annoyed, frustrated and mad as hell that someone offed you. You've got a right to get even, girl. Go get him. Or her. We'll be watching.

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