Thank you so much for inviting me to Killer Characters. I'm Natasha. Just the one name please, like Cher and my idol, Martha. This is such a wonderful opportunity for me to set the record straight.
Remember that advertisement where the woman said, "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful?" I live that. You see, I am a beauty queen and for some reason, jealousy, I suppose, that makes it hard for other women to be close to me. My best friend is Sophie Winston. She doesn't seem to mind that I'm gorgeous, maybe because we grew up together and she knows all my secrets. Sophie is short and round and, well, she can't really help that. It wouldn't hurt her to take more interest in fashion, though. And if she wore makeup and actually fixed her hair instead of just pulling it back into a ponytail or clipping it up with one of those hideous banana clips she could be attractive. She's not completely unfortunate looking.
But I'm not here to talk about Sophie. Krista has encouraged me to share the non-public side of my life. You see, I am a domestic diva. I have a local television show in Washington, DC, so I always have to put my best face forward. It's really not fair of people to be envious, because I have worked very hard to get where I am.
I didn't have a nurturing dad around to help me. The sad truth is that he left my mom and me when I was seven years old. Just up and left and we've never heard from him again. I don't know if he's living or dead. I worry about him. I imagine him living at homeless shelters, scruffy and unshaven. So I secretly volunteer in soup kitchens in the hope I'll find him.
My mom is a waitress at the Dixie Diner in my hometown. She works so hard. Obviously she brought me up all by herself, so I love and adore her. But, Mom is a bit of an embarrassment. Imagine a very superstitious Jamie Lee Curtis with all the taste of, well, a tramp. Miniskirts and cleavage. That's my mom. So you understand I have to keep her out of the public eye because I try so hard to be elegant and perfect. I can't have her publicly tossing salt around me or chanting things to keep evil spirits away!
Now, there is one more little issue that I really would like to address. There are those who believe that I stole Mars from Sophie. Here are the facts. Sophie and Mars were married. They are now divorced and Mars lives with me. We're not married -- yet. I'm working on that. In fact, other than taking my show national, which I *will* do someday, getting married to Mars is one of my very biggest projects.
It's been lovely visiting with all of you. Hugs and kisses to everyone. And I could use some advice. How did you trick, er, convince your husband to walk down the aisle?
Domestic Diva Mysteries