Thursday, December 2, 2010

Tips On Being Dead

by Maxie Malone
from E.J. Copperman's NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEED

Being dead sucks; let's get that out of the way as quickly as possible.

I mean, I was barely 28 when some nut job decided to off me and the private detective Paul Harrison, who was SUPPOSED to be my bodyguard, over a great big Victorian I was going to flip on the Jersey Shore. If I'd known I was going to have such a short time being alive, I probably would have done more stuff. Like... well, you don't want to know what.

The fact is, being dead is a lot like being alive, only blurrier and kind of duller. That is, for those of us who show up as ghosts. Not everyone does, you know. Some people just move right on to whatever state of existence lurks out there and pass by this one entirely. Others stay here for hundreds, maybe thousands of years, for all I know. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it; it's simply the luck of the draw.

My luck: I get stuck haunting one lousy house in New Jersey, with a guy I don't even like that way. I couldn't be a ghost with Ryan Reynolds in Beverly Hills? That would have been so bad?

As it is, I can't move off the grounds of the Victorian I was renovating when the poison hit. And now, this new chick comes in and thinks it's HER house, and before you know it, she's painting over all my wonderful designs and making everything bland. She's turning the place into a guesthouse for older people to stay in during the summer.

I have nothing against older people; some of them are so dear you just want to hug them (I don't, of course, because they don't know I'm here, but I'm just saying). But would it be so bad for a nice young guy to drop by every once in a while? I can't do anything about it, but I can still LOOK.

So this new chick, Alison, has one saving grace--her daughter Melissa, who's a pistol. You've gotta love this kid. Smart, funny, not afraid to give her mom some lip. She reminds me of someone... oh yeah: ME!

All in all, I don't recommend being dead. Avoid it if you can. And if you can't, at least try to haunt, like, a Chippendale's or a Gold's Gym or something.

I'll be 28 forever. For all the good it's going to do me.


  1. I have to agree, Maxie, you really got a raw deal. You can't even go to the beach, and it's right there! I think you absolutely ought to have all the fun you can. Just please don't make things TOO tough for Alison!

  2. Twenty-eight is just too young to be a ghost. I'm glad you have Melissa to hang out with. Perhaps you can help Alison when she runs into trouble, especially on your property.

  3. Maxie, you've been cheated out of your best years! Being dead sure isn't much fun...but take it easy on poor Alison!

  4. E.J. says I should thank you for the nice comments. But don't ask me to let Alison off the hook so easy. I mean, she painted over my red living room walls, can you imagine? I mean, there's got to be a price to pay for something like that!

  5. Sounds like a real drag, Maxie. But hey - at least you have company!

  6. Maxie I am sure you and Melissa will find some "fun" activities. Just think how you can influence her hair and clothing choices. Hang in there. Macye ;>)

  7. Oh, I have plans, believe me... Keep reading.

  8. Maxie, glass is half full chickie. You have a nice family to haunt, Melissa is a peach and you can teach her a lot. You will be fine, I reckon. And I look forward (I think) to seeing what you have planned.