Saturday, July 9, 2011

This is War


Glenda Doozier from Denise Swanson’s Murder of a Creped Suzette (coming October 4, 2011)

My name is Glenda Skoal Doozier. My mama got my middle name from the chewin’ tobaccy can. Even though Miz Swanson didn’t buy me a new outfit at Wal-Mart or a six-pack or nothin’ to do this here blog for her, I said yes because I’ve about had enough of Miss Fancy Pants, Skye Denison.

I have no idea what my husband sees in that woman, but I’m puttin’ my foot down. Mayhaps on his scrawny little neck if doesn’t stop irritating the crap out of me. If I told Earl once, I told him a thousand zillion times that she’s usin’ him. And still, all she has to do is crook her fat little finger and he goes runnin’ to do her biddin’.

But I got my revenge. Last October, this big shot from Nashville comes to town and promises to turn Scumble River into the Branson of the Midwest. He tells us all that we’re goin’ be rich. Alls we have to do is come up with something to sucker the tourists with and it will be rainin’ moola. Sos me and Earl decide to set up Paintball Advenchores in the woods out back of our place.

A course, the snooty city ijits who bought the land next door had to go and complain to the cops. And who turns up? Miss Snoopy Nose. I swear the day that Chief Boyd made her a guldurn consultant to the police department is the day we shoulda all just packed up and moved south.

Anyways, they come strolling onto our property without so much as a by your leave and my dumb ass husband doesn’t even shoot them. But I took care of that. And I’m not one lick sorry for what happened. Any court in the land would agree it was self-defense.

How about you? Is there someone you’d like to take shot at or at least make sure they get their comeuppance?

I hear the whole story is coming out October 4 in some book called Murder of a Creped Suzette. Isn’t that the stupidest title you ever did hear?

11 comments:

  1. This is hilarious! Can't wait to read the book.

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  2. HA HA! How's come I get the feeling Glenda is going to get her payback . . . .

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  3. Glenda is one feisty woman. Sure could use her out here on the West coast. ;~)

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  4. Hmm, I'm pretty sure I've seen Glenda at the local Wal-Mart... can't wait to find out what she's gone and done this time!

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  5. Hi Glenda,

    I had a mean boss. He docked me when I was in the hospital and when my dad died. If anybody deserved a shot, it was him. Fate got him too. I felt bad for about a minute, but I got over it.

    Say hi to Denise.

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  6. I think anything you're involved with could turn into an adventure, Glenda. Remind me not to make you mad.

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  7. Well aren't all you folks so nice. I was afraid no one would talk to me over here.

    And Lori, I do go to Wal-Mart for most of my shoppin' needs.

    Nubian, I've always had a hankerin' to visit Californy.

    Mary Jo, mean bossses suck, which is why I never work.

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  8. Oh, Glenda! I can't wait to hear what you did!

    ~ Krista

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  9. Glenda, this is fantastic. Just out of curiosity, what kind of guns are used for Paintball Advenchores?

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  10. Amy--any kind of gun can be modified to fire paint bullets from a pistol to an AK-47.

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