Thursday, August 18, 2011
How Not to Look Fat
By Kiki Lowenstein
"Star" of the Kiki Lowenstein Mystery Series
“Hey, Kiki! Catch! This is for you.” My mother-in-law Sheila tossed me a Barnes & Noble Booksellers bag.
I caught the flying green sack and peeped inside. I love gifts, absolutely LOVE them. And I adore books. So I just knew she’d gotten me something special. I pulled out the book and read the cover: How to Never Look Fat Again.
“Read it!” Sheila waggled her fingers at me as she zipped out the door of Time in a Bottle, the scrapbook store where I work. “Take notes!”
“What a rhymes-with-witch and starts with a B,” Clancy Whitehead said. Clancy is my good friend and co-worker, a walking, talking fashion icon who channels Jackie Kennedy. No lie. I’ve been with Clancy when people have asked her for her autograph. “Not much of a compliment now that Jackie is dead,” she grumbles.
I turned the new book over and over in my hands. “I guess Sheila’s tired of buying me diet books.”
“Honestly, Kiki. You are too nice. Anyone else would run after Sheila and try to bonk her in the head with that.”
I shrugged. I do a lot of shrugging. It's a major form of exercise for me. I mean, it is what it is—and Sheila will never ever change. So why sweat it? “I think I’ll take my break now.”
“You aren’t seriously going to read that, are you? It was an insult.” Clancy smacked the book with her open palm.
“Yep. I plan to read it and take notes. Who wouldn’t like to look ten pounds thinner?”
Clancy sighed. “It’s not the book, it’s the spirit of the gesture.”
“I agree. Sheila has a mean streak. But that shouldn’t keep me from learning something, right?”
So I read the book. In a nutshell, here’s what the author Charla Krupp says:
1. Thin starts at the top. Part your hair off-center and wear side swept bangs.
2. Show a little skin. Simplify your life and elongate your face and neck by wearing V-necks.
3. Batwing arms? Rely on ¾ sleeves, or push up long sleeves.
4. You are wearing the wrong size bra. (Trust her on this.)
5. Go up a size in tops to avoid back fat.
6. The average woman gains six pounds during menopause.
7. Learn to love shapewear.
8. Denim should be lean, clean, long and dark.
9. Just say, “No” to clogs, Crocs, Uggs, and white tennis shoes
10. Never wear more than four layers in the winter.