Thursday, January 16, 2014

Oh Lordy, it's January


Auntie KiKi here and it’s January and the month of funerals.
I’m sorry to be saying but it’s real as taxes. Now I understand that we all got to go but being dead is no excuse for bad manners and that’s why I’m here to be setting things to rights.
First off there’s the flowers. Honey, roses and even a few carnations and the occasional planter are perfectly acceptable but for crying in a bucket a floral clock with the hands stopped at the time of the passing is out of the question.
And keep in mind you must always be keeping your  “death-ready” pantry up to speed. The number of dishes (or grief therapy) brought to the house suggests your social standing in the community. Do you want to be last on that list, well I should say not.
 As soon as you get the call you need be rushing right over with stuffed eggs, chicken salad, caramel cake and some pecan tassies. Everyone knows Pimiento cheese is paste that holds the South together through think and thin.
Remember that casseroles that contain cream of mushroom soup and Velveeta cheese are considered second tier, but a can of cream of asparagus soup added elevates the dish to a higher status. And of course banana pudding is the Cadillac of southern desserts

It’s right important to label the deceased as successful, no matter how circuitous a word route it demands. The written description needs to include enough truth that the dead person is somewhat recognizable, but include enough flattery to please the grieving family and friends.

And of course you must encourage those relatives to attend who do the most carrying on. Someone discreetly weeping into a hankie just doesn't have the same appeal as multiple women screaming and throwing themselves onto the casket as it is being lowered into the ground.
 
And for heaven’s sake keep in mind that Led Zeppelin’s Stairway to Heaven is only appropriate if you are one of them Yankees. In this part of the world Amazing Grace will do fine, thank you very much.

You all take care now, ya’ hear and be sure to keep that death pantry stocked just in case.










20 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Hi, Candace. Well, honey, all I can is is that we all know death is never funny one little bit but some of the stuff we do when people up and die sure are. Lordy. Thanks for chatting and be taking good care of yourself now, ya' hear. Hugs, Auntie KiKi.

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  2. I look forward to reading Pearls and Poison. I'm just finishing Killer in Crinolines. You have hit the nail on the head when you say January is the month for funerals. In the past 2 weeks, I have been informed of the passing of a friend's Mother, a friend's husband and a friend, all of whom live out of state. Last night, my husband and I attended the visitation for the lady who was our daughter's babysitter and also a good friend. Lets hope the rest of the month will be better!

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    1. Lordy, Dianne, you surely have been through some mighty tough times this January. I'm thinking you need some fun. Honey, if I were you I'd get myself a box of pralines and a bottle of Wild Turkey honey bourbon and forget this here month ever existed. You take care of yourself now, ya hear. Love ya, Auntie KiKi

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  3. I agree. It's important to stock your Death Pantry. If you do, there will be no funerals. But you know what will happen the minute that pantry is bare...!!!

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  4. Well now, Willow, I certainly agree. As soon as I run low on elbow macaroni and Velveeta people around here start dropping like flies, I do declare. I always keep extra eggs and and that good mayo on hand to I can whip up deviled eggs fast. Has saved my Southern behind more times than I can count. You have a good day now and remember to put on your pearls and sit up straight. Hugs, Auntie KiKi.

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  5. I can't wait to see what Regan and Aunt Kiki have been up to. I live just a stone's throw on the southern side of the Mason Dixon line and I have found that the funeral food delivery has really gone out of fashion. My parents always used to send deli platters to out of town friends and family from local establishments but lately they seem more bothered by it than pleased. They have taken to sending an orchid instead.

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    1. Well now, I think anything that says just how sorry you are that a loved one has passed is just fine but nothing beats a nice deviled egg and a slice of velvet cake, now does it. Hugs Auntie KiKi

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  6. Fun blog, but it just makes me realize how much I miss Aunt Kiki and Regan. Can't wait to read your next book.

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    1. Oh, honey, aren't you just divine. Reagan and I and Gloria will be back right soon and this time we're hunting a killer to keep Gloria out of prison, I do declare. Get your honey bourbon ready and mix up the martinis, it won't be long now.

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  7. It's a bit different in my community. Since we attend an Orthodox Temple everyone's version of what is Kosher tends to slip and slide. So we have a caterer who can deliver a platter that will pass the Rabbis muster. Flowers are NOT used at the funeral but a tasteful bouquet sent to the home is allowed.

    The custom of "sitting shiva" starts the moment you return from the cemetery and you must remember to post your visiting hours quickly so that you have some time with just your immediate family to talk about whoever has passed.

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  8. Oh, Nora, honey, I do so love the Orthodox way of doing things and this seems a right proper way to do want's best for the family and the one who's pass. Bless your heart. Hugs, Auntie KiKi

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  9. Bless your heart. You do know there is a possible Velveeta shortage?

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    1. Oh dear Lord don't even mention such a thing, whatever shall we do? Get the martinis ready, Reagan honey, we need some fortification quick like.

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  10. I guess I should bring some of that Mac & Cheese or is that the book me?

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    1. Hi, Rachelle honey, In Peals and Poison you cook up some mighty fine dishes and you are also a murder suspect. Maybe we should be looking into how to bake a file in a cake just in case you wind up in the slammer. Hugs, KiKi

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  11. I'm still laughing! I love you Aunt Kiki! I must read the books you are in! SO funny! Yes I know death is certain, and quite serious, but until then, laughter is still the best medicine...and a Cozy Mystery too of course!

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    1. On, Sharon, now bless your heart. No matter how serious the situation there is always a little something to laugh about and having a martini in your hand sure helps things along. Don't let your death pantry run low now, ya hear. When that happens sure enough someone is bound to wind up over there at The Eternal House of Slumber.

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  12. What a fun scene, Duffy! I have a couple of funeral scenes in my cozy. One as the grand finale. Nothing like this! Two totally different ways of presenting a funeral. :)

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