Thursday, December 2, 2010
Tips On Being Dead
by Maxie Malone
from E.J. Copperman's NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEED
Being dead sucks; let's get that out of the way as quickly as possible.
I mean, I was barely 28 when some nut job decided to off me and the private detective Paul Harrison, who was SUPPOSED to be my bodyguard, over a great big Victorian I was going to flip on the Jersey Shore. If I'd known I was going to have such a short time being alive, I probably would have done more stuff. Like... well, you don't want to know what.
The fact is, being dead is a lot like being alive, only blurrier and kind of duller. That is, for those of us who show up as ghosts. Not everyone does, you know. Some people just move right on to whatever state of existence lurks out there and pass by this one entirely. Others stay here for hundreds, maybe thousands of years, for all I know. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it; it's simply the luck of the draw.
My luck: I get stuck haunting one lousy house in New Jersey, with a guy I don't even like that way. I couldn't be a ghost with Ryan Reynolds in Beverly Hills? That would have been so bad?
As it is, I can't move off the grounds of the Victorian I was renovating when the poison hit. And now, this new chick comes in and thinks it's HER house, and before you know it, she's painting over all my wonderful designs and making everything bland. She's turning the place into a guesthouse for older people to stay in during the summer.
I have nothing against older people; some of them are so dear you just want to hug them (I don't, of course, because they don't know I'm here, but I'm just saying). But would it be so bad for a nice young guy to drop by every once in a while? I can't do anything about it, but I can still LOOK.
So this new chick, Alison, has one saving grace--her daughter Melissa, who's a pistol. You've gotta love this kid. Smart, funny, not afraid to give her mom some lip. She reminds me of someone... oh yeah: ME!
All in all, I don't recommend being dead. Avoid it if you can. And if you can't, at least try to haunt, like, a Chippendale's or a Gold's Gym or something.
I'll be 28 forever. For all the good it's going to do me.
Submitted by E.J. Copperman