Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Me and My Phone

By Molly Pink of
Betty Hechtman’s You Better Knot Die
5th in the Crochet Mystery Series

Anybody who knows me, knows that my BlackBerry and I aren’t exactly friends. Everybody else in the world is walking down the street looking at their smart phone, while mine is hidden in its case in my purse. I know it can do all kinds of things, but when I walk down the street, I don’t care about checking my emails or going online or finding out if there’s a traffic jam. Call me old fashioned, but to me it’s just a phone with benefits.

Whenever it rings, I jump and then struggle to fish it out. It has something to do with the ring. I call it the ring because that’s the term for what your phone does when someone is calling. In my case, ring is really the wrong word. Really the wrong word. My BlackBerry was a gift from Mason Fields. You might have heard of him. He’s on TV and in the public eye a lot. He’s the lawyer all the celebs turn to when they get in trouble. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but celebs in trouble has become just about an every day occurrence. Mason is the one who gets the credit for keeping Rome Sheraton out of the slammer - multiple times.

He’s gotten me out of trouble, too. Mason is a good friend. I swear, that’s all he is, even if we did go on a few “dates” when Barry and I were broken up.

But back to my BlackBerry. When it had a traditional ring, I never seemed to be able to pick out my baby’s cry from all the other phones around me. Mason solved the problem by recording a unique ring. There I did it again and called it a ring. Once I describe it to you, you’ll understand totally why it’s not a ring.

When somebody calls me now, a high pitched frantic voice starts calling from inside my purse “Help, get me out of her. Please, get me out of here. I’m important. Puleeze!” and then it keeps repeating. Here’s the problem. Though I obviously hear it now and know it’s my phone, everybody else hears it, too and I get all flumoxed trying to answer it while people give me odd looks. And almost every time, just as I get it out of my purse, it stops crying because it has gone to voice mail.

You should have seen the looks I got at the Museum of Contemporary Art. The way that voice echoed off all those walls, you’d have sworn I had a megaphone. And worse, in my panic to answer, the phone went flying, crying all the way. A woman in a going to the art museum outfit of a purple velvet skirt that flared in weird places, topped with an asymmetric jacket in the same material, snagged my phone and handed it to me like it was a dead fish.

Maybe I’ll try that royal flourish I noticed in the ring tone list. Da ta da taaaa, da ta da taaa. It’s a call for Molly, the queen of crochet.

Am I the only one who feels like a dunce with their smart phone?


  1. I've only had my smartphone for a couple of weeks; it's definitely smarter than me. The manual is over 200 pages! Who has time to read that when there all these great mystery books to read?

  2. I keep my blackberry in my purse on vibrate and the only time I know it "rang" is when I take it out at night to put it on my charger.

    Perhaps you can tell Mason to put it on the lowest sound or on vibrate.

  3. My husband bought me a belt clip and hard case for my iphone (because I keep dropping it). When I'm working I keep it on vibrate so I may not hear it, but I feel it every time I get a text, a call or an email. But it also has a pedometer app so it helps me keep track of my daily steps and distance walked. The "ring" for my husband (when it's not on silent) - a revving moterycle.

  4. I haven't gotten used to something vibrating in my pocket. A small rodent? I gasp (or shriek) and start digging around in my clothes. This tends to startle anyone near me - usually the driver. Not good.

  5. Mine has some funky music, but I never hear it because it is always buried in its hard case in my closed purse!

    The ring tone I'd like is an old-fashioned phone ring... remember those? Then it would be different from everyone else's, yet still sound like a phone!

  6. LOL - "phone with benefits" - snort! Love that, Molly!
    I'm so far behind, I don't even *have* a smart phone. Last time we upgraded one of the kids' phones, they looked up my number (main on the account) and said they'd never seen anyone keep a phone as long as I had. I guess I'm overdue. But I like my phone. It's been a loyal friend.

  7. Thanks for the laugh out loud post, Molly. The phone shrieking in your handbag is priceless!

  8. LOL, Molly---You should have some Rock 'n Roll on your phone like I do. That would really shake up the stodgy museum lady -- Kelly Flynn

  9. I'm with you, Molly. The most basic of cell phones is what I asked for (ok, with one of those flip out keyboards but still basic). The teen behind the counter looked at me as if I were really weird. I think basic is best!

  10. My phone is so old, though I love my ringtone--Steve Wonder's Sir Duke (the opening strains). I think the screaming for help ring is hysterical.

  11. I'm getting my first smartphone this week...a Kyocera Loft from Virgin Mobile. Very simple...I'm excited!!!

  12. My phone is so old that it's a dumb phone -- and it's still smarter than me. At least it plays a cute jingle and no one screams!

    ~ Krista

  13. I loved hearing all your phone stories. So, I'm not the only one with a phone buried in their purse.

    Oh, I forgot to mention something. There was this time I didn't think and left my phone locked in the trunk. Picture a voice screaming help, get me out of here coming from the trunk of a car. Somebody called the cops and they weren't amused. The whole story is in the next book about me - Behind the Seams.
    ~Molly P.