Thursday, January 16, 2014
Oh Lordy, it's January
Auntie KiKi here and it’s January and the month of funerals.
I’m sorry to be saying but it’s real as taxes. Now I understand that we all got to go but being dead is no excuse for bad manners and that’s why I’m here to be setting things to rights.
First off there’s the flowers. Honey, roses and even a few carnations and the occasional planter are perfectly acceptable but for crying in a bucket a floral clock with the hands stopped at the time of the passing is out of the question.
And keep in mind you must always be keeping your “death-ready” pantry up to speed. The number of dishes (or grief therapy) brought to the house suggests your social standing in the community. Do you want to be last on that list, well I should say not.
As soon as you get the call you need be rushing right over with stuffed eggs, chicken salad, caramel cake and some pecan tassies. Everyone knows Pimiento cheese is paste that holds the South together through think and thin.
Remember that casseroles that contain cream of mushroom soup and Velveeta cheese are considered second tier, but a can of cream of asparagus soup added elevates the dish to a higher status. And of course banana pudding is the Cadillac of southern desserts
It’s right important to label the deceased as successful, no matter how circuitous a word route it demands. The written description needs to include enough truth that the dead person is somewhat recognizable, but include enough flattery to please the grieving family and friends.
And of course you must encourage those relatives to attend who do the most carrying on. Someone discreetly weeping into a hankie just doesn't have the same appeal as multiple women screaming and throwing themselves onto the casket as it is being lowered into the ground.
And for heaven’s sake keep in mind that Led Zeppelin’s Stairway to Heaven is only appropriate if you are one of them Yankees. In this part of the world Amazing Grace will do fine, thank you very much.
You all take care now, ya’ hear and be sure to keep that death pantry stocked just in case.
Submitted by Duffy Brown